Christmas day was absolutely wonderful. We did our new "come & go" food thing. After talking with my mom today, we agreed we had heartburn from eating all of that junk food. :)
Stephen says we need to stick with the Mexican theme since Papa makes the best tacos ever. Every year at my mom's we write down our wish for the next year and put it in a ball. My mom keeps the ball until the next Christmas. We all gather around to read what our wish was a year prior. Last year I wrote "I hope Stephen is doing great in college and Joe is living happily in a group home" I got one wish. I asked for something different this year. Something for myself too. I am hoping my wish will come true.
My "boys" got me a pair of Baylor sweat pants. Stephen forgets his old mom has gained a few pounds and got me a medium sized pant. I was able to squeeze into them but they are tight. He "they" also got a new IPod and a gift cert. to Daired's Spa for $125. I have to wonder where the boy got his money????? This kid is going to be the most incredible husband when he makes that commitment. I honestly can't take any credit for that, I guess I will give that one to Bob.
I have posted a few new photos. I am so giddy about the pic's of me and my boys. They are the most handsome guys I have ever seen. The silly grin on Joe's face and of course Stephen's million dollar smile. I paid good money for that you know!!! The boy sucked on a pacifier and carried a blanket until he was 5 years old. I won't divulge anymore of his secrets at this time.
I have to follow up with this last thought. I keep hearing from my friends how strong I am. What a strong person I am. In many aspects I am. I made a choice when I divorced to raise my boys without bringing men into my home. I did not want my boys exposed to different men and situations that would not be in our best interest. One thing I did do right was get a big brother for Stephen. I have to say that was the best decision I have ever made.
I wonder though, why I am able to have this wonderful feeling of loving someone, but I can't be with them. Maybe I am supposed to be alone. It is so hard for me to let anyone into my heart. I do know my heart and I know that this is something I just don't want to walk away from right now.
I was told by a man once that I am just too nice. He said if I want a man I need to be bitchier. Even if I wanted to, I just can't do that, but it seems he might be right. Men want women that don't want them. I just don't understand that.
Oh, I have a date Friday night. I am going to the Trans Siberian Orchestra with Sonja. We are going to have a great time. And.... A birthday party at some silly honky tonk in Midlothian for my friends 40th birthday party. I have not been dancing in a long time so I will dig out my boots and see what kind of trouble I can get into.
I am still going to HAVE FAITH. I am not ready to say "it's over". I may have to soon, but not today.
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Remember what you've said MANY MANY times: If "it's" meant to be it won't be hard. Wise words, dear one. It makes me reflect on the "john" situation which is similar to what you are going through now. Where I am now, I have to thank God for "unanswered prayers". I know there's a song, but we may have to write a book on that one. We must be more careful with our hearts and guard our hearts from men who are not available.
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