Being a Parent

Most anyone will agree with me when I say having a child changes your life in a way you can't imagine until you experience it. When your child is born something happens to you, a transformation if you will. In a instant your body mind and soul goes into your child. You don't just have your own feelings, now you feel what this little person feels. When they are happy you feel it. When they are sad, you feel it. It's not a conscious thing either. It can't be helped. You can't get away from it. You'll never be the same again. As your child grows so do you. It doesn't matter if you have a good kid or a bad kid. The feelings are there forever. Most of us go through child rearing with little drama. They grow into young adults, go off to college and make a life for themselves. But it's your life too. It is impossible to separate yourself from this person. Of course you try, you let them make decisions but deep inside you want to protect them from the world. You want to make sure they are happy and don't have pain or struggles. Of course that's part of growing up. But if your a parent you would be lying if you said you still don't feel it and want it every time they do. It's unexplainable. As I write this I think of my boys. My older one, still a mystery to me most of the time. For the most part I dream of the day I don't have to take care of him, and then the other side of me steps up and thinks "oh god" can I let go, can I do this? I wish I had the answers to that question. When he feels pain I feel it 10 times more, joy is the same as well. Then you have the younger one. Miracle would be the best way to describe what this kid is to me. Miracles do happen. I see him and I try to step out of my body and look at him like a grown man, taking care of business, living the dream with the highs & the lows. But I can't help it. I feel everything he does. I don't want to, I want to let him go, experience life but I just can't. Of course he doesn't know I feel this way. He won't until he has his own children. Only then do you really understand how that little seed and little egg when the two meet will change the very person that you are. You will never be the same again. I have been asking myself lately what my purpose is in life. I'm halfway finished, raised my kids as best I could. I've made mistakes and many good decisions too. But now what. What's in store for me. I have to step back, let them learn, let them feel the pain and the joy. But I'll always feel it 10 times more than they do. Being a parent is probably the biggest thing you will ever do in your life. Nothing can compare to your beliefs, thoughts, ideals, opinions and the guidance you will instill in this person. You have an incredible responsibility and it's 24 hour 7 day a week job. It's amazing that so many of us turn out okay. Not everyone can pull it off, can raise their children to be young adults. Many of you don't get the opportunity because of something that happens along the way. Sickness, death, wrong decisions. No matter what path they take or what disability they have, you can't help it. The love you feel for them is so overpowering, so strong it overrules anything else that seems reasonable. It's a ride like non other. So, for us that are nearing the end of the ride and those that are just beginning. Buckle up. It is the ride of your life.

MId Life Crisis?

I'm wondering if I'm going through a mid life crisis. Do women experience that sort of thing? Lately I question my purpose on this lovely earth. What am I supposed to be doing. I ask myself all the time if getting up, going to work, coming home & going to bed will be what I do for the rest of my life. I am unfulfilled. Something is missing and I can't put my finger on it.
I can't sleep lately and wake up often in the middle of the night. I know menopause is a big part of how I feel. Geez, I have gained so much weight and can't get it off no matter how much I exercise. I feel so down on myself because of that. Dr. Phil says I'm low on testosterone. Hum, guess I better get me some steroids and fix that. Or I h ave been told Bio Identical.
Part of my anxiety is the fact that Joe is graduating in about 6 weeks. I have to pinch myself to remember that life will turn upside down when this happens. I think I keep putting it out of my head or tell myself "you've got time to deal with this" because I don't want to deal with it. Honestly, this scares the crap out of me. I am terrified as to what will happen when he does not get on that bus on June 8th. This is a time where I have to practice "let go & let god". I keep telling myself I have to have faith.
I'll just have to sit back and see what happens. :)

'sIt's saturday afternoon. Drove to Kennedale this morning to check on my mom's house. It's looking much better. Another 2 -3 weeks and we will moving her in.
Been triplet shopping today too. Going to pass on the baby shower and join the Newhouse family for dinner. More my kind of thing. Can't wait to see all the cute baby things they get.
My kid is in Stillwater OK with Baylor baseball team. Tells me he may end up in Oregon for playoffs. What a lucky kids. Gotta pinch myself, I did something right.
The Big Guy is still having a good week. No aggression and a pretty decent mood so far today.
We've been shopping all morning. Came home to plant my tomato's in my greenhouse. Dang that greenhouse is cute and I'm going to have so much fun in it.
Learned something this week, well I already knew but it was confirmed again.
Men, they are so funny. They continue to believe that most younger women "want" to marry an older guy because they love them. Reality is the younger women want a guy to take care of them. What a sad reality. Guess it will never change. Guys are so intimidated by successful, well adjusted women that don't need a man but want a man. I'm telling you, it's the way to go guys. You would get "lucky" alot more often if you tried that route. Younger women will hook you into marrying them and then treat you like a stepchild. Hey guys, if she has kids and let's you sleep over without any regard to what her kids might think, she a golddigger. But doesn't she look good on your arm when you go out in public. Classic. Oh well, that's my gripe for today.
I'll update after the dinner tonight.

Easter Weekend

I'm sitting at my little table, drinking my coffee and watching the blue jays beat up on the squirrels in the backyard. It's the simple things that make me happy. Life seems to have calmed down a bit, Joe is still making me uneasy but only aggression towards himself so far.
I am almost through with my major home improvements. All that's left is putting the trim in and both bathroom cabinets. A little more painting of course.
I'm going to put back splash up in kitchen but probably not in the next few months. That should be an easy job.
My mom is very close to moving back into their house. Maybe 2 more weeks. The fire was Nov. 7th and they are still not finished. Holy Cow. I was able to get her a little pug/chihuahua mix puppy from a shelter. She is 2 months old. My mother and Hayes are IN LOVE. This dog is just what they needed and wanted for so long now. Losing all of your pets in a house fire is so devastating. Seeing them laying on the ground dead is just as devastating. I can never get that image out of my mind.
I finished my greenhouse. It is so so cute. I'm going to buy tomato and some other veggies to grow inside. I've got to paint it too. Man do I NOT like to paint. Oh my.
My kid is coming home tonight I think, late..... Double header at Baylor because rain tomorrow. It will be nice to spend more than 45 minutes with him for once. Well, I guess I'll wrap this up. I am seriously needing a vacation. Just trying to decide where. I want to be around water and sand. I may do a quick trip to Mexico by myself for some R&R. Yep, peace and quiet is what the Dr. is ordering for Mel.
Happy Easter and stay dry tomorrow!

I'm still alive & kickin

I've decided to start posting again. I need somewhere to vent my frustrations, apprehensions and thoughts.
The past 5 months have pretty much been a living hell. Joe, my older son just lost his mind and I don't know why or what brought it on. After months of violent behavior, getting kicked out of Day Hab, having to pull my car over to keep from getting hit and getting calls everyday from school I jusst broke down, took him to JPS Psychiatrist ER with the thought I was going to walk out of there without him. I was ready. But of course he is behaving like a charmed two year old listening to his DVD and ALL SMILES. The dr on staff was truely a nice woman and listened to me go on & on & on. I was crying, laughing and just hanging my head. She decided to try him on a new med. Well, the results are...... Joe is about 80% back to normal. I see smiling and laughing and happy moods. Still a little bit of aggression but nothing like before.
The moral to my storey today is....... If you have kids and they are normal. You need to get up every day and thank god he gave you that. I don't care how rotten they are. If they are rotten you probably made them that way so take responsibility. Anyway, who would have ever thought that one day my baby boy, my son that I so longed for would end up being my abuser. It is still hard for me to wrap my head around. Lot's of blaming myself too. What could I have done different.
Now on a more positive note. I have another kid that is damn near perfect or that's my story and I'm sticking to it. He is in Kansas this weekend with Baylor baseball team. Seems he has listened to one thing I always preached to him. I would tell him, kid you have to work, we aren't rich and never will be. So, the key is to wake up each day and like going to work. What could be better than making a living around baseball. Not saying it's an easy job, but doing something you love it the key to a happy life.
Happy Saturday to you! I'll be back.