Being a Parent

Most anyone will agree with me when I say having a child changes your life in a way you can't imagine until you experience it. When your child is born something happens to you, a transformation if you will. In a instant your body mind and soul goes into your child. You don't just have your own feelings, now you feel what this little person feels. When they are happy you feel it. When they are sad, you feel it. It's not a conscious thing either. It can't be helped. You can't get away from it. You'll never be the same again. As your child grows so do you. It doesn't matter if you have a good kid or a bad kid. The feelings are there forever. Most of us go through child rearing with little drama. They grow into young adults, go off to college and make a life for themselves. But it's your life too. It is impossible to separate yourself from this person. Of course you try, you let them make decisions but deep inside you want to protect them from the world. You want to make sure they are happy and don't have pain or struggles. Of course that's part of growing up. But if your a parent you would be lying if you said you still don't feel it and want it every time they do. It's unexplainable. As I write this I think of my boys. My older one, still a mystery to me most of the time. For the most part I dream of the day I don't have to take care of him, and then the other side of me steps up and thinks "oh god" can I let go, can I do this? I wish I had the answers to that question. When he feels pain I feel it 10 times more, joy is the same as well. Then you have the younger one. Miracle would be the best way to describe what this kid is to me. Miracles do happen. I see him and I try to step out of my body and look at him like a grown man, taking care of business, living the dream with the highs & the lows. But I can't help it. I feel everything he does. I don't want to, I want to let him go, experience life but I just can't. Of course he doesn't know I feel this way. He won't until he has his own children. Only then do you really understand how that little seed and little egg when the two meet will change the very person that you are. You will never be the same again. I have been asking myself lately what my purpose is in life. I'm halfway finished, raised my kids as best I could. I've made mistakes and many good decisions too. But now what. What's in store for me. I have to step back, let them learn, let them feel the pain and the joy. But I'll always feel it 10 times more than they do. Being a parent is probably the biggest thing you will ever do in your life. Nothing can compare to your beliefs, thoughts, ideals, opinions and the guidance you will instill in this person. You have an incredible responsibility and it's 24 hour 7 day a week job. It's amazing that so many of us turn out okay. Not everyone can pull it off, can raise their children to be young adults. Many of you don't get the opportunity because of something that happens along the way. Sickness, death, wrong decisions. No matter what path they take or what disability they have, you can't help it. The love you feel for them is so overpowering, so strong it overrules anything else that seems reasonable. It's a ride like non other. So, for us that are nearing the end of the ride and those that are just beginning. Buckle up. It is the ride of your life.

MId Life Crisis?

I'm wondering if I'm going through a mid life crisis. Do women experience that sort of thing? Lately I question my purpose on this lovely earth. What am I supposed to be doing. I ask myself all the time if getting up, going to work, coming home & going to bed will be what I do for the rest of my life. I am unfulfilled. Something is missing and I can't put my finger on it.
I can't sleep lately and wake up often in the middle of the night. I know menopause is a big part of how I feel. Geez, I have gained so much weight and can't get it off no matter how much I exercise. I feel so down on myself because of that. Dr. Phil says I'm low on testosterone. Hum, guess I better get me some steroids and fix that. Or I h ave been told Bio Identical.
Part of my anxiety is the fact that Joe is graduating in about 6 weeks. I have to pinch myself to remember that life will turn upside down when this happens. I think I keep putting it out of my head or tell myself "you've got time to deal with this" because I don't want to deal with it. Honestly, this scares the crap out of me. I am terrified as to what will happen when he does not get on that bus on June 8th. This is a time where I have to practice "let go & let god". I keep telling myself I have to have faith.
I'll just have to sit back and see what happens. :)

'sIt's saturday afternoon. Drove to Kennedale this morning to check on my mom's house. It's looking much better. Another 2 -3 weeks and we will moving her in.
Been triplet shopping today too. Going to pass on the baby shower and join the Newhouse family for dinner. More my kind of thing. Can't wait to see all the cute baby things they get.
My kid is in Stillwater OK with Baylor baseball team. Tells me he may end up in Oregon for playoffs. What a lucky kids. Gotta pinch myself, I did something right.
The Big Guy is still having a good week. No aggression and a pretty decent mood so far today.
We've been shopping all morning. Came home to plant my tomato's in my greenhouse. Dang that greenhouse is cute and I'm going to have so much fun in it.
Learned something this week, well I already knew but it was confirmed again.
Men, they are so funny. They continue to believe that most younger women "want" to marry an older guy because they love them. Reality is the younger women want a guy to take care of them. What a sad reality. Guess it will never change. Guys are so intimidated by successful, well adjusted women that don't need a man but want a man. I'm telling you, it's the way to go guys. You would get "lucky" alot more often if you tried that route. Younger women will hook you into marrying them and then treat you like a stepchild. Hey guys, if she has kids and let's you sleep over without any regard to what her kids might think, she a golddigger. But doesn't she look good on your arm when you go out in public. Classic. Oh well, that's my gripe for today.
I'll update after the dinner tonight.

Easter Weekend

I'm sitting at my little table, drinking my coffee and watching the blue jays beat up on the squirrels in the backyard. It's the simple things that make me happy. Life seems to have calmed down a bit, Joe is still making me uneasy but only aggression towards himself so far.
I am almost through with my major home improvements. All that's left is putting the trim in and both bathroom cabinets. A little more painting of course.
I'm going to put back splash up in kitchen but probably not in the next few months. That should be an easy job.
My mom is very close to moving back into their house. Maybe 2 more weeks. The fire was Nov. 7th and they are still not finished. Holy Cow. I was able to get her a little pug/chihuahua mix puppy from a shelter. She is 2 months old. My mother and Hayes are IN LOVE. This dog is just what they needed and wanted for so long now. Losing all of your pets in a house fire is so devastating. Seeing them laying on the ground dead is just as devastating. I can never get that image out of my mind.
I finished my greenhouse. It is so so cute. I'm going to buy tomato and some other veggies to grow inside. I've got to paint it too. Man do I NOT like to paint. Oh my.
My kid is coming home tonight I think, late..... Double header at Baylor because rain tomorrow. It will be nice to spend more than 45 minutes with him for once. Well, I guess I'll wrap this up. I am seriously needing a vacation. Just trying to decide where. I want to be around water and sand. I may do a quick trip to Mexico by myself for some R&R. Yep, peace and quiet is what the Dr. is ordering for Mel.
Happy Easter and stay dry tomorrow!

I'm still alive & kickin

I've decided to start posting again. I need somewhere to vent my frustrations, apprehensions and thoughts.
The past 5 months have pretty much been a living hell. Joe, my older son just lost his mind and I don't know why or what brought it on. After months of violent behavior, getting kicked out of Day Hab, having to pull my car over to keep from getting hit and getting calls everyday from school I jusst broke down, took him to JPS Psychiatrist ER with the thought I was going to walk out of there without him. I was ready. But of course he is behaving like a charmed two year old listening to his DVD and ALL SMILES. The dr on staff was truely a nice woman and listened to me go on & on & on. I was crying, laughing and just hanging my head. She decided to try him on a new med. Well, the results are...... Joe is about 80% back to normal. I see smiling and laughing and happy moods. Still a little bit of aggression but nothing like before.
The moral to my storey today is....... If you have kids and they are normal. You need to get up every day and thank god he gave you that. I don't care how rotten they are. If they are rotten you probably made them that way so take responsibility. Anyway, who would have ever thought that one day my baby boy, my son that I so longed for would end up being my abuser. It is still hard for me to wrap my head around. Lot's of blaming myself too. What could I have done different.
Now on a more positive note. I have another kid that is damn near perfect or that's my story and I'm sticking to it. He is in Kansas this weekend with Baylor baseball team. Seems he has listened to one thing I always preached to him. I would tell him, kid you have to work, we aren't rich and never will be. So, the key is to wake up each day and like going to work. What could be better than making a living around baseball. Not saying it's an easy job, but doing something you love it the key to a happy life.
Happy Saturday to you! I'll be back.

Thursday Thursday

Thought I'd stop and update since I have neglected to do so for quite some time now. Really not much going on. I've been a home improvement queen the past few weeks. Almost have the front flower bed done. I just need a few more piece of rock. The back flower bed can wait but gotta get that done.
Let's see. Friday night, opening ceremonies for Special O, Saturday are the track & field events. Saturday night heading to Sundance Square to see Four Day Weekend.
Sunday, Rangers vs. Minnesota.
I'm not going to get much done this weekend looks like. I'm running out of time on Stephen's room. I moved the big 36" TV back there so I had to remove the old entertainment center that was part of the 7th grade flood. That thing was wobbling like crazy. I put up shelves. Now going to install Closet Maid in the closets. (Joe & Stephen) I actually dusted all of his trophies and poor Joe went into a sneezing frenzy. I had not done that for 5 or 6 years. Oh my.
Oh, Joe said MOMMA yesterday morning. Have not heard that in at least 2 years. Yeah, I guess I can say when you start complaining about "life" and not being happy, etc. Think about what it would be like if you only heard your kid say a word every 2 - 3 years. That might help you put your life into perspective. He was funny too, he wanted me to watch Wheel of Fortune on the big screen last night. He was grinning that I stopped long enough to sit with him on the sofa.
Went to Waco last Saturday with Joe & Jacque. That was a great visit. It's so hard to believe a year of college is already completed. My goodness. He'll be home soon, working and taking summer classes. Talked to him last night. He's starting his research paper. Steroids. Shouldn't be hard to do that paper. So much in the news about that.
My friend Pam has vowed to break her long about with celibacy this year. She is being fixed up with 2 men this Sunday. Already we figured out she won't get along with one of them so she is going to send him my way. He is a motorcycle & boat guy. Right up my alley.
And, trying to figure out if a man that does the cycle class on Mon & Wed is married. He sure does look and smile. I just need to be brave enough to approach him. I'll put Crystal on that duty. Actually one of Stephen's friends works there and she said she would be on the look out for single men. I'll get her on that task.
Not really interested in a "committed" relationship right now because there's too many projects I need to finish at home, but it would be nice to find a guy that wants to do something every once in awhile. Who knows. Going to let the game come to me, right!!!!!

Finally an update - Get some coffee and enjoy

Finally I am making myself stop so I can give an update of my life. I know, like anyone really cares!
Well, in case you do this is what's been happening lately. I've been going non-stop for about 3 weeks now. Now that spring has arrived there is yard work and of course home improvements, etc. Pam and I had a curbing co. come out and curb our flowerbeds. Then we put river rock in the cement. It looked good, but even better was the acrylic application. Oh my gosh, the rocks turned different colors. I think it looks beautiful. Very unique. I came home last night and got about half of the flower bed cleaned out. That is back breaking work. I want to get that finished this weekend to get that out of the way. I've got to get cracking on Joe's room. So many things to do and such a short time frame. The Big Guy turns 21 on the 15th. Trying, trying to make his room look a bit more mannish.
Stevie boy is coming home Monday. His teaching class was cancelled for Tuesday morning and he's skipping astronomy. He and Bob have for as long as I can remember have attended Opening Day together. (the rule was I would let him skip class that day if he kept his grades up. what a joke. Like I ever had to ask him to keep his grades up) Originally he was going to drive up Tuesday after class but now I get to see him too. He doesn't know about the TV. Oh my gosh, yes, I got a 50" Panasonic Plasma. I love it. Joe loves it. I'm going to watch American Gangster tonight in HD. I've already seen the movie but it will be my first HD movie to watch. I know, too much excitement for you. I digress. The kid is going to be so surprised when he walks in and sees the TV. I may not get him out of the living room.
I've been working out, some days I feel like my pants are a bit smaller and some days I feel like bloated whale. What a battle. I will win this one. I just need to keep the damn carbs away from my mouth. Pretty simple.
Well, I need to get going. Joe and I are going Clean Up Craven's Park. It's a community/city thing today. Then need to get my hair done this afternoon and back home to finish the flower bed.
Sunday, okay your going to think I'm nuts but I learned about this group called Wildcare, Inc. They help injured animals. They nurse them back to health or if they are orphaned and then release them into the wild. They have "foster parents" that help with this. I am going to a class Sunday to learn to be a "foster parent". That is something I would love to do. If I could own an animal refuge on acres of land I would no doubt be the happiest person ever.
Nothing to update on the man scope. Looking pretty dismal now. But I'm not too worried. I've been so busy just can't worry too much about it. I know, let the game come to me. I just hope they know there is a ballpark here at 425 Revolution Lane. Should I put up signs??????